When I thought of my
pending maternity leave, I imagined endless coffee dates, baby groups and that
I would take to motherhood like a duck to water. I had visions of home cooked
meals for me and Davy, housework done, breastfeeding like a boss and being a natural
with Charlie.
Obviously the start
of our journey together as mummy and son wasn't how I planned and mentally I
know this affected me big time.
My labour was not how I planned it and although I knew my birthing plan could change, I felt incredibly cheated and horrified by my experience. I did not enjoy my labour in any shape or form and when I should be enjoying my beautiful baby to help forget about the pains of labour, my baby was taken to the RVH children's hospital.
Our first days spent together at the RVH consisted of a week of stress, tears, tantrums and very little sleep. I felt completely useless as Charlie's mum. I didn't know what I was doing; I'd barely changed a nappy before never mind change a nappy and navigating wires and incubators. Breast feeding was a non starter as Charlie was on fluids, so my breast feeding journey began with a borrowed breast pump. I quickly had to learn how to express and store my colostrum and milk. Hospitals are not a fun place for a self doubting, terrified first time mum. My dreams of being a natural mummy came crashing down around me.
To get through it, I began imagining that once we were home I would be fine. My natural mothering instincts would kick in and I'd be a pro in no time. It happened to a degree. I felt ecstatic to take my baby home, but when we got home, the safety net of 24hr nursing and Dr care wasn't there anymore. I was literally terrified!! Slowly my confidence in holding Charlie and moving him and lifting him became second nature. We were feeding constantly which I knew was normal and Charlie was gaining weight brilliantly, so I felt happy to be doing something right.
My labour was not how I planned it and although I knew my birthing plan could change, I felt incredibly cheated and horrified by my experience. I did not enjoy my labour in any shape or form and when I should be enjoying my beautiful baby to help forget about the pains of labour, my baby was taken to the RVH children's hospital.
Our first days spent together at the RVH consisted of a week of stress, tears, tantrums and very little sleep. I felt completely useless as Charlie's mum. I didn't know what I was doing; I'd barely changed a nappy before never mind change a nappy and navigating wires and incubators. Breast feeding was a non starter as Charlie was on fluids, so my breast feeding journey began with a borrowed breast pump. I quickly had to learn how to express and store my colostrum and milk. Hospitals are not a fun place for a self doubting, terrified first time mum. My dreams of being a natural mummy came crashing down around me.
To get through it, I began imagining that once we were home I would be fine. My natural mothering instincts would kick in and I'd be a pro in no time. It happened to a degree. I felt ecstatic to take my baby home, but when we got home, the safety net of 24hr nursing and Dr care wasn't there anymore. I was literally terrified!! Slowly my confidence in holding Charlie and moving him and lifting him became second nature. We were feeding constantly which I knew was normal and Charlie was gaining weight brilliantly, so I felt happy to be doing something right.
Although Davy and I felt we were coming to grips with being
parents, we were always reminded of Charlie's HD with every washout that needed
to be done. In the beginning we did 3 washouts a day, 7am, 3pm and 11pm. Davy
would help with the morning and evening washouts but I was on my own for the
afternoons.
I hated it, I felt
that every time I got used to enjoying our fun baby time together, id come
crashing back to earth to do a washout. I felt annoyed, hard done by and that
everything was very unfair in the world. I would see other friends on FaceBook
sharing pictures of their newborns and everything was perfect for them, they didn’t
have all of this extra care to give and get stressed over!
Let me make something very clear though, Charlie is absolutely perfect despite his condition and I know that there are lots of parents and families who have to face and deal with far worse illnesses and conditions. There is just nothing that can prepare you for what we've had to go through as parents so far.
We both felt guilty and terrible for what he had to go through each time we did a washout! I did a lot of crying at the start, some shared with Davy or my parents but a lot on my own with Charlie.
My mind was all over the place. On top of trying to cope with Charlie's diagnosis and just generally learning the ropes of being a mum, I was still grieving my nanny’s passing in August and I was heartbroken as I watched my best friend fight terminal cancer.
Let me make something very clear though, Charlie is absolutely perfect despite his condition and I know that there are lots of parents and families who have to face and deal with far worse illnesses and conditions. There is just nothing that can prepare you for what we've had to go through as parents so far.
We both felt guilty and terrible for what he had to go through each time we did a washout! I did a lot of crying at the start, some shared with Davy or my parents but a lot on my own with Charlie.
My mind was all over the place. On top of trying to cope with Charlie's diagnosis and just generally learning the ropes of being a mum, I was still grieving my nanny’s passing in August and I was heartbroken as I watched my best friend fight terminal cancer.
I knew that my mental health wasn't good and despite a more understanding outlook in society on postnatal depression to encourage women to open up, I personally did not want to admit that I was struggling. I just wanted to hide away in the house and try to ignore how I really felt.
I managed for a few weeks fooling myself I could deal with it all but I couldn't and so I opened up to Davy and my mum. Davy and my mum were both fab and would reassure me that I was a great mum, doing a good job breastfeeding and doing washouts on my own. I knew they were right but in my head I just couldn't be happy about much!
Eventually I rang the Dr and made an appointment. I explained everything and she was lovely listening to me and encouraging me to open up. She advised she thought I was possibly suffering from mild post natal depression but that what I was also going through would be hard for anyone to cope with.
She advised to keep talking
about how I felt, get out for walks to get fresh air and be kinder to myself.
Slowly things started to improve and for me, my low moods didn't develop any
further towards postnatal depression.
I made a conscious
effort to get out more with Charlie. So we joined baby sensory and loved it! I
was also gaining my confidence as Charlie's mum and getting to know what was
normal for his HD.
I was generally in a better place mentally and coping with managing Charlie's HD. However, I've learnt that life is fragile and cruel as I watched one of my best friends fighting the bravest fight of her life against terminal lung cancer.
At one point before Charlie was born there was a very real fear that Angela wouldn't get to meet Charlie. Shortly after his birth we did a road trip to her wee cottage by the sea for cuddles. It was fab seeing her with Charlie and I will cherish those memories forever. We visited a couple more times but unfortunately my little angel face passed away at the end of March.
I reckon this has been the hardest year of my life emotionally. I've had highs and lows but one thing I know is that I feel stronger than ever!
We need to be kinder to ourselves, not worry about stigmas and talk more openly about our fears and worries and listen to each other! Charlie has been my shining light through my dark days, Davy has and always will be my rock and my family are my constant source of guidance and reassurance too!
Things can only get better...
Xx
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